Analyzing and critiquing movies is one of my favorite past times. There are myriad films that focus on singleness, and they often portray this relationship status as the least desirable. Falling in love, being in a relationship or marrying the love of one’s life are often depicted as the most fulfilling path.
When Harry Met Sally is a film that captures our society’s anxiety about living single in your thirties and beyond. It portrays the romantic tension between friends Harry and Sally over a decade. Writer Nora Ephron brilliantly captures the ebb and flow of their relationship, and her perspicacity about the way singles experience their lives is both humorous and gripping.
In one scene, Sally and her girlfriends Marie and Alice discuss their love lives over lunch. Sally talks about her recent break-up with her boyfriend Joe. Now that Sally is newly single, Marie insists on setting her up with one of the guys in her Rolodex. Sally rejects Marie’s offer and explains that she simply is not ready to date again. Throughout the conversation, both Marie and Alice stress that Sally cannot remain single. Marie recommends guy after guy, whom Sally adamantly refuses each time. As a last-ditch effort and to instill trepidation about remaining single, Marie shares a story about their acquaintance, David Warsaw, who died after waiting too long to date following his divorce. In response to this harrowing story Sally then inquires, “What are you saying, I should get married to someone right away in case he’s about to die?” Alice then replies with a gut-wrenching statement, “at least you can say you were married.” Ouch!
Sadly, this urgency to get married at any cost has found its way into the church. While it may not be as explicit, it is frequently implied in how a church does ministry and relates to its single members. According to the 2025 U.S. Census, fewer than half of U.S. households (47%) were married couples, and marriage rates continue to decline. There is an increased number of individuals in their forties who have never married; moreover, it’s estimated that 33% percent of current 18–19-year-olds will not have married by 2050. With the single population consistently growing in the United States, the church cannot ignore that many of their congregants are within this demographic.
Several years ago, a friend of mine mentioned that their church conducted a survey to learn more about their congregation. They discovered that though the church consisted of predominantly single people, many of its ministries were oriented toward married couples and children. My friend bemoaned that a large portion of her community was invisible. Many women and men I have spoken with confirmed, in their own way, this experience of being unseen or misunderstood because they are unmarried. This especially hurts when one is part of a community where the expectation or hope is that they will be welcomed as they are.
I am a single woman and am currently writing a book on how the church can care more effectively and compassionately for singles in their congregations. I am in the process of interviewing diverse never-married women and men who share their experience quite vulnerably. They explain how much they appreciate when their pastoral leaders share sermon illustrations that include the single experience or simply acknowledge their presence with their unique stories.
There are those who are happily single and want to remain as they are. Nothing is “wrong” with them. There are others who grieve that marriage may never be a part of their future. They are navigating uncertainty and loss. It is important that we grieve with these brothers and sisters. There are still others whose feelings about being single fluctuate. We learn to hold the tension with them. This can be the most loving way of journeying with your single congregant or friend.
According to Barna, ninety percent of pastors are married and ninety-seven percent of them have been married at some point. No wonder the single experience is not often on the forefront! Therefore, it requires intentionality to engage this growing population inside and outside the church. There are several ways churches can create an environment where singles can feel less invisible and more connected to the larger community.
First, pastoral leaders must consider the single women and men in the audience when they preach. When they talk about singleness, they can challenge the narrative that single people are deficient or lacking. While pastoral leaders can and should certainly acknowledge the grief that some singles may experience about their relational status, the truth is not every single person shares this sorrow. There are many singles whom sociologist Bella de Paulo describes as “single at heart”: the person for whom “single life is their best life.” Moreover, no single person is in a holding pattern until marriage comes along; pastoral leaders can affirm and bless singles right where they are whether or marriage comes later.
Secondly, we must be aware of how implicit biases about singles—especially when they are single longer than church or society expects—surreptitiously enter our church communities. Studies have revealed that singleness is often viewed as a deficit. The message that seems to pervade our society, and unfortunately the church, is that single people are “abnormal, unnatural, and inferior.” Such injurious messages cannot be tolerated in the church. To accept these messages inevitably affects how well we treat and care for our sisters and brothers made in God’s image. We pity them. We do not see them as fully whole, complete, beloved. These harmful messages may even affect whether single women and men are considered for leadership positions in the church as the community questions their readiness for ministry. If the single person has internalized such messages, this can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety. They may find themselves in a relationship, however unhealthy or dysfunctional, so that they don’t feel like something is wrong with them.
I want to emphasize that I am not anti-marriage, nor am I against single people wanting or pursuing marriage if this is what they desire. It’s healthy to name and own our desires, and we have a kind and compassionate God who welcomes all that we bring. What I am challenging is how marriage can become the ultimate expression of love, the relationship from which one derives their worth and value. This belief not only negatively impacts single people, but it is also detrimental for married couples. Marriage does not exist to give a person their significance or identity. Value and purpose are not bestowed on couples when they exchange vows at the altar. If couples begin their marriage journey with this flawed belief, their relationship will suffer because there is no human being who can bear the weight of that expectation and responsibility. Furthermore, is not God the one in whom we ultimately, “live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28)?
Finally, we must be and remain curious about others. No two singles are alike. Socio-cultural factors such as gender, race/culture, age, and economics play a significant role in one’s experience. Not all singles want to be married, but others do want to pursue marriage. There are those who are ambivalent about whether they want to marry. There are distressed single people and others who are gratefully single at heart and cannot imagine a more satisfying life. When you remain curious about the single people in your community and do not make assumptions, you learn how to journey with your single friends based on their specific, unique needs and experiences. We need to stop equating singleness with all things negative and marriage with all things positive and be willing to see and to listen to where people truly are.
The single people in your communities are not deficient nor are they unchosen. They are not left behind. God did not forget about them, nor are they less called or equipped for ministry. They are single for their own distinct reasons. Singleness may not just be a season for them, but an enduring experience where God’s goodness and kindness abound.
Dr. Pierre’s research, Not Just a Season, is contracted to be published with Baker Publishing in Fall 2027.
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